Ini tanggal 30. Ya. Lagi2 tanggal 30. 3 bulan yang lalu--oh bukan. 4 bulan yang lalu dan sebelum2nya setelah bulan Oktober, betapa bahagianya aku dengan tanggal ini. Yah, anyway... *gatau harus ngomong apalagi gegara tumpah semua*
Aku didiemin. Apalagi plurknya dia yang baru komentarnya. Astaga, semudah itu rupanya dia bisa ngelupain seseorang. Ganti cewek=refreshing. Jadi selama ini beban ya kalau sama 1 cewek. Aku udah angin kali dipikirnya sekarang. haha X'(
Sekarang, HP ku maunya sih sms buat ngasih ucapan 10th monthversarry--walau aku sendiri tahu aku udah ngga punya hak buat ngasih ucapan kayak gitu. Apalagi, dia sekarang sibuk. Maybe, I shouldn't send those message. ='|
Well, I guess enough.. Aku nulis pipiku basah. CMIW~~~
Sita cengeng~ cmiiiw~~~
Masalahnya, holding back itu lebih buruk. Lebih baik dikeluarin sekalian kan.. ='(
Udahlah, cukup ini aja. Sebelum--keyboardku ketetesan terus, banjir dan susah ngelapinnya, enough for today.
='|
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Grumbling about HIM
He is definitely avoiding me. Hell yeah. I know it from the very first time.
He is not gonna be the same him like the old time. Hell. I know it.
He is so cold towards me. Hell, that IS the truth. I know.
He won't listen to all my stories but just staring me with sarcasm. Hell. I know. I feel it. I hate it but still, I'm accept it.
He is kind to everyone else except me. Hell yeah. I know it well. I can see how's he towards me. Still, I'm accept it though.
He is always grumble and looked irritated whenever we are together. Hell that's the truth. I know it but still, try to smile so he can't see my restrained tears.
He is saying things in a cold way to me. Hell yeah. I know. But I'm always try speak a lot and a little bit childish so he never see my tremble lip.
______________________________________________________
Somehow, grumbling about him makes me miss the old days. It IS a happy time. I feel my soul and I'm internally and externally happy. But, time goes on and I should moving on. Yeah yeah. Silly talking about MOVING ON is really easy. Do it is NOT as easy as saying it as advice.
Sometimes, I do remember how was that day, when all my bad dreams starts. I feel guilty for him. I feel guilty for myself. I do always wish that today is dream and I'm still sleeping in my bed. These day from that day is nightmare--i guess.
Whenever I'm with him, what is in my head and heart is that feel of guilty. I wish that he never met me and chose me. I do regretting many things that make him feel in pain like nowadays. I hope that I can do something so he can easily forget about me and other problems related to me. I do hope that way but... When I wishing for it, my heart feel--hurt. I do want to be remembered by him. I do want to be his special treasure forever. I do want to be the part of his good memories only. My egoistic side just come up and yeah. Wish is still a wish that cannot be done because of my ego.
Wherever I am, every night, I pray for his sake. I pray so he can make a new life that better than his life with me, because his life with me is heaven than turned into hellish place. I know that maybe, deep in his heart, he is regretting everything now. Unlike me who can't even regretting it because it such a happy memories for me. All of his attitude back then is happy memories for me, even when he was angry to me. I pray for his heart so it can back into the first form when he gave it to me and he can give it to the right woman and they will lived happily ever after. But again and again, my ego's back. But I'm not withdrawing my word. Just, silently crying inside my blanket and well, I don't know whether I'm regretting or just feel not really want to give him to someone else. I don't know either.
______________________________________________________
He is not gonna be the same him like the old time. Hell. I know it.
He is so cold towards me. Hell, that IS the truth. I know.
He won't listen to all my stories but just staring me with sarcasm. Hell. I know. I feel it. I hate it but still, I'm accept it.
He is kind to everyone else except me. Hell yeah. I know it well. I can see how's he towards me. Still, I'm accept it though.
He is always grumble and looked irritated whenever we are together. Hell that's the truth. I know it but still, try to smile so he can't see my restrained tears.
He is saying things in a cold way to me. Hell yeah. I know. But I'm always try speak a lot and a little bit childish so he never see my tremble lip.
______________________________________________________
Somehow, grumbling about him makes me miss the old days. It IS a happy time. I feel my soul and I'm internally and externally happy. But, time goes on and I should moving on. Yeah yeah. Silly talking about MOVING ON is really easy. Do it is NOT as easy as saying it as advice.
Sometimes, I do remember how was that day, when all my bad dreams starts. I feel guilty for him. I feel guilty for myself. I do always wish that today is dream and I'm still sleeping in my bed. These day from that day is nightmare--i guess.
Whenever I'm with him, what is in my head and heart is that feel of guilty. I wish that he never met me and chose me. I do regretting many things that make him feel in pain like nowadays. I hope that I can do something so he can easily forget about me and other problems related to me. I do hope that way but... When I wishing for it, my heart feel--hurt. I do want to be remembered by him. I do want to be his special treasure forever. I do want to be the part of his good memories only. My egoistic side just come up and yeah. Wish is still a wish that cannot be done because of my ego.
Wherever I am, every night, I pray for his sake. I pray so he can make a new life that better than his life with me, because his life with me is heaven than turned into hellish place. I know that maybe, deep in his heart, he is regretting everything now. Unlike me who can't even regretting it because it such a happy memories for me. All of his attitude back then is happy memories for me, even when he was angry to me. I pray for his heart so it can back into the first form when he gave it to me and he can give it to the right woman and they will lived happily ever after. But again and again, my ego's back. But I'm not withdrawing my word. Just, silently crying inside my blanket and well, I don't know whether I'm regretting or just feel not really want to give him to someone else. I don't know either.
______________________________________________________
Grumbling is not a good attitude. I know. But, well, that is what in my heart now, Noir, if you want to know and if you care enough. But seeing things nowadays, you wouldn't care about me again aren't you... Well, it is fair because I'm nobody for you.
Honestly. Seeing your attitude toward me nowadays, makes me feel somehow sad. Why should we become like this?? Can't you just behave like usual? ='(
I am willing to let you go without this kinds of behavior, Noir. ='(
What I want is willing to let you go with a nice ending and we are still have a good relationship from each other... ='(
Monday, August 16, 2010
夢
apa sih harapan kalian kalo suatu ketika dapet seseorang yang bisa disayang dan bisa sayang sama kita?
Kita dibaikin? Kita diperhatiin?
Itu DULU harapanku.
Sekarang, apa harapan kalian kalo suatu ketika orang yang bisa kita sayang dan bisa sayang sama kita itu udah ngga sama kita lagi?
Kita tetep temen? Kita tetep baik satu sama lain?
Itu SEKARANG harapanku.
Tapi apa nyatanya? Aku kayak dianggep gampangan kayak gini.
Salah sedikit disinisin, apa sedikit dianggep kayak makhluk paling rendah, ngapain sedikit buat dia hal yang extremely wrong.
Kalo emang niatnya mau pisah, oke, I'm allright with that things already. Tapi caranya jangan kayak gitu. Emangnya aku manusia ngga berperasaan?!! Perasaan itu sulit diubah! BUTUH WAKTU NGERTI?!!!!
Kalo caranya maksa gitu, mau jadi APA?!!!
MAU tiap ketemu kita kayak kucing sama anjing musuhan sinis2an?!!!
Aku, jujur aja ngga mau.
Kalo kamu maunya terserah. Aku tetep bakalan teguh kalo aku ngga mau ngebales, aku ngga mau ngeladenin.
BODO AMAT. My heart is belong to me, so terserah yang punya lah.
Sekarang udah puas kan? Buat orang kecewa? Puas kan? Buat orang ngerasa salah terus? PUAS?!!
Jujur, maaf aja ya. Aku juga manusia. Aku punya batas emosi. Aku juga bisa marah kalo aku mau. Saking selama ini aku berusaha nyabar2in diri. Aku anggap itu cobaan. Tuhan lagi marah sama aku lewat kamu.
Tapi ngga kayak gini!! Aku masih punya perasaan, noir........ ='|
Why don't you just try to treasure it a little? I would be really grateful for just a tiny feeling you try to treasure.... ='| Enough for me having a really wrecked and broken heart... Why don't you just treasure and care for it even a little tiny piece of my heart..... ='|
I beg you.......... ='|
Kita dibaikin? Kita diperhatiin?
Itu DULU harapanku.
Sekarang, apa harapan kalian kalo suatu ketika orang yang bisa kita sayang dan bisa sayang sama kita itu udah ngga sama kita lagi?
Kita tetep temen? Kita tetep baik satu sama lain?
Itu SEKARANG harapanku.
Tapi apa nyatanya? Aku kayak dianggep gampangan kayak gini.
Salah sedikit disinisin, apa sedikit dianggep kayak makhluk paling rendah, ngapain sedikit buat dia hal yang extremely wrong.
Kalo emang niatnya mau pisah, oke, I'm allright with that things already. Tapi caranya jangan kayak gitu. Emangnya aku manusia ngga berperasaan?!! Perasaan itu sulit diubah! BUTUH WAKTU NGERTI?!!!!
Kalo caranya maksa gitu, mau jadi APA?!!!
MAU tiap ketemu kita kayak kucing sama anjing musuhan sinis2an?!!!
Aku, jujur aja ngga mau.
Kalo kamu maunya terserah. Aku tetep bakalan teguh kalo aku ngga mau ngebales, aku ngga mau ngeladenin.
BODO AMAT. My heart is belong to me, so terserah yang punya lah.
Sekarang udah puas kan? Buat orang kecewa? Puas kan? Buat orang ngerasa salah terus? PUAS?!!
Jujur, maaf aja ya. Aku juga manusia. Aku punya batas emosi. Aku juga bisa marah kalo aku mau. Saking selama ini aku berusaha nyabar2in diri. Aku anggap itu cobaan. Tuhan lagi marah sama aku lewat kamu.
Tapi ngga kayak gini!! Aku masih punya perasaan, noir........ ='|
Why don't you just try to treasure it a little? I would be really grateful for just a tiny feeling you try to treasure.... ='| Enough for me having a really wrecked and broken heart... Why don't you just treasure and care for it even a little tiny piece of my heart..... ='|
I beg you.......... ='|
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Madness of Despair
死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死死
I want to see the death... -__________-
Okay, I know that this is mad... Yeah.. Yeah... Talk as much as you want... -______-
Yup~
I'm absolutely in these holidays just full in Despair~ Madness~ Boredom~ Angst~ AH SO MANY~ -________-
Hate my self to the core~ Yeah~
Count me as one of the mad person in the world~ I'll accept it..
I hate my feelings that can't be change so easily..
I hate how I can't react far from childishness... I HATE MY CHILDISHNESS SO MUCH~
嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い `
Hatehatehatehate~
I wish that I never live in this world...
So much trouble I can't handle..
What I'm doing till this time just imagining..
Well, I realize that it is hurting my self much deeper than before... But still, I'm doing it..
I'm really is a moron, don't I?
絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望
I'M IN A FULL DESPAIR~ HELL YEAH~
I'm just a moron that can't do anything...
Abadoned, worthless~ Ah~ Hate this self more than before...
________________________________________________________________
Well, my randomness... Read it if you want.. But I guess, no one will understand what did I mean in this post... >____>
I want to see the death... -__________-
Okay, I know that this is mad... Yeah.. Yeah... Talk as much as you want... -______-
Yup~
I'm absolutely in these holidays just full in Despair~ Madness~ Boredom~ Angst~ AH SO MANY~ -________-
Hate my self to the core~ Yeah~
Count me as one of the mad person in the world~ I'll accept it..
I hate my feelings that can't be change so easily..
I hate how I can't react far from childishness... I HATE MY CHILDISHNESS SO MUCH~
嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い嫌い `
Hatehatehatehate~
I wish that I never live in this world...
So much trouble I can't handle..
What I'm doing till this time just imagining..
Well, I realize that it is hurting my self much deeper than before... But still, I'm doing it..
I'm really is a moron, don't I?
絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望絶望
I'M IN A FULL DESPAIR~ HELL YEAH~
I'm just a moron that can't do anything...
Abadoned, worthless~ Ah~ Hate this self more than before...
________________________________________________________________
Well, my randomness... Read it if you want.. But I guess, no one will understand what did I mean in this post... >____>
Thursday, June 17, 2010
A Story ~Dedicated to Him~
Aku punya cerita temen2...
Suatu hari, aku masuk ke sekolah yang pertamanya adalah sekolah impianku, karena ada jejepangannya... Nah, aku akhirnya berhasil masuk ke sana dengan perjuangan yang besaaar banget... Dan kemudian, aku masuk ke kelas yang sama sekali ngga terbayangkan sebelumnya... Ketemu banyak orang baru dan masuk ke Club Bahasa Jepang yang udah jadi impianku... Dan di sana aku bertemu banyak orang baru juga... Termasuk orang itu...
Yep, kesan pertamaku ke orang itu... Anak hiperaktif ngga bisa diem... Kemana2 tebar senyum mulu dan caranya bicara formal itu geje abis... Karena suatu proyek, aku, dia, dan 8 orang temanku lainnya akhirnya jadi sebuah group yang kompak bernama Animmyst MoMo... Dan disinilah awal cerita kami...
Karena tiap pulang sekolah, aku selalu ada latihan sama dia, akhirnya suatu hari aku waktu pulang ntah kena angin apa dia, aku di stalkerin dengan alasan kalo rumahnya dia ngarah ke arah yang sama... Padahal, aku udah tahu lho kalo arah rumahnya berlawanan, orang dia tiap naik sepeda pasti berlawanan deh arahnya... =____=
Yah, aku biarin aja, walau begitu, lagian, waktu itu pemikiranku masih narrow-minded... "Aku bisa nambah temen baru" XD
Jadi, di tengah jalan, aku tanya nomer dia dengan alasan kalo ada latihan lagi, gampang ngehubunginnya... Itu murni lho alasanku... ^^
Dan setelah itu disaat nyebrang, dia akhirnya selesai mengantarkanku... Yah, setelah itu, sore2, aku iseng2 sms dia... Nanyain soal komik, kalo aku ga salah... Terus akhirnya sms.an berlanjut deh~ =3
Nah, ceritanya, mari langsung forward ke waktu dimana dia berulang tahun... Waktu itu, aku lagi di kelas math, lagi ol fb ... Terus, aku lihat, taichou club ku ulang tahun... Terus aku inget kata2 Ikochan, kalo dia juga ulang tahun... Nah, sebenernya aku modal nekat, kalo salah malu gapapa, aku nyari jadwal dimana kelasnya sekarang dan voila, aku dapat! Dia lagi di ruang yang sekarang jadi Indo-2... Dan pas banget aku mau ketok pintu, dia keluar dan aku langsung bilang HAPPY BIRTHDAY dan entah kesambet apa dia, tiba2 nyengir, terus bales salaman tanganku dan aku di seret!!! Bayangin deh, diseret cobaaa~!! XDD *padahal mau ke kantin lho*
Okay, mari forward lagi ke tanggal 29 Oktober, dimana sekolah lagi ngadain Classmeet... Di sini, ada lomba Bukan Paduan Suara, dan kelasku wakilnya adalah aku dan temenku nomer absen 31... Kami nyanyi lagu yang aku lancar saat itu... Lagu nya Sherina yang Cinta Pertama dan Terakhir, dan DIA NONTON~!! UGYAA UGYAA Senengnya amit2~~ Soalnya, pas itu tuh, aku *mungkin* udah seneng sama dia... Dan abis nyanyi itu, aku sama dia makan bareng di kantin... Dan kita sama2 salting dan geje... XD
Aku masih inget, dia ngelemparin temennya yang ngegodain dia pake es dan katanya dia kena mbak2.. Ahahahahaha~ Keliatan banget ya kita tuh sama suka, tapi ga mau ngomong .. orz XD
Nah, mari forward time nya lagi ke besok... Besoknya, kesambet apa lagi entahlah... Kami seperti biasa, sore2 pulang sekolah sms.an... Terus, aku iseng2 tanya...
*intinya aja ya?!*
(merah aku, item dia)
"Kalo aku mati gimana?"
"Nanti aku bunuh Shinigami yang matiin kamu"
"Emang bisa ya? Bohong banget deh~"
"Bisa aja"
"Kenapa kok segitu pengennya bunuh shinigaminya?"
"Yah, habis belum bosen sama kamu"
dan aku hening pas itu~ UHUY~~ SIAPA YANG GA SENENG HEH DI SMS KAYAK GITU !! XDD
Terus ga berapa lama, *padahal mau bales* Ada sms dateng...
"Can I step further to your heart?"
UNYAUNYAUNYAUNYA~~ Aku tahu kok ini bukan lengkapnya... Soalnya aku pelupa... Jadi, ini aja seingetku yang ada di memori... Dan aku hening... Jingkrak2 geje, loncat2, mau teriak tapi ditahan2... Ahahahahahahaha konyol deh pokoknya~~~~ X)
Dan akhirnya akupun menjawab...
"You already have it, you fool~ xp"
"Oh, I'm just a fool who want to have you"
AAAAAAA~~~ Dan itulah awalnya gimana kami bisa jadi lover~ =3
Tapi akhir2nya ga enak ngomong2~ XD
"Yah, jadi, siapa yang mau nanggung PJ?"
Dan akupun membatu... XDDDD
Nah, besoknya nih, ceritanya tuh mau ada Pensi sekolah... Dan malemnya, kami ngga ngapa2in sih... Masih masih malu2 kucing gilak~ XD
Dan setelah itu, hari2ku sama dia akhirnya dimulai...
Nah, melihat cerita ini, yang sekarang ada di memoriku itu, dia itu...
1. Sinis!! Orang sinis sedunia yang pernah aku tahu!!! Walau aku sabar kok ngadepinnya~ ^^
2. Orang paling care yang pernah aku tahu... Dia tuh carenya ngga ketulungan... Hal2 kecil aja diperhatiin~ XD
3. Orang bodoh yang selalu nyanyiin lagunya Monkey Majik yang Tada, Arigatou dan selalu promosi ke aku akan lagu itu...
4. Orang yang ga sabaran dan selalu buat orang ngambek...
5. Orang yang rela ujan2an demi nganterin aku pulang...
6. Satu2nya orang yang selalu ngebanggain kemampuannya buat kayang yang kayaknya mendunia itu... XD
7. Orang supel yang kalo sama temen2nya tuh bisa gila abis deh~
8. Orang yang selalu netting duluan sebelum tahu faktanya dari si narasumber...
9. Orang yang selalu jadi makelar peminjaman komik anak2 Animmyst MoMo
10. Orang yang selalu ngasih aku lebih daripada apa yang aku kasih...
11. Orang yang ngajarin aku gimana rasanya disayang dan gimana menyayangi seseorang setulus mungkin...
12. Orang yang rela nungguin aku maen PIU padahal dia sendiri ga main...
13. Orang yang ngga pernah aku bisa kalahin main basket di G-Fan dengan rekornya 43... Dan aku baru 30... XD
14. Orang yang selalu berkorban banyak buat aku, tapi aku ga ngasih apapun yang berarti buat dia...
15. Orang yang baru main PIU sekali dan main DDR sekali sama aku...
16. Orang yang ngefans banget sama Raditya Dika, sampe pre-order MMJ aja ditungguin segitu niatnya
17. Orang paling maksa sedunia... Suka banget maksain kehendak sendiri, kalo ngga diturutin kadang ngambek! XD
18. Satu2nya orang yang aku pernah ajakin webcamming lamaaaaa banget...
19. Orang yang selalu siap dan ada buat aku baik itu di YM, sms, Skype bahkan Plurk, Twitter dan FB...
20. Orang yang paling aku sayang sedunia!! Selain keluarga, tentu aja... =)
Sebenernya, masih banyak~ Tapi aku ga kuat nulisnya~ Mataku tak terbendung sekarang~ ahahahahaha~
Dan lagi, bentar lagi aku les EF tauk~
Nah, okay~ Jadi, Aku mendedikasikan post ini buat dia yang paling aku sayang yang lagi ada di rumah~
Semoga, kamu ngga down lagi ya~ Tuhan punya pola pikir yang lain dari kita...
Perbedaan itu... Memang ngga bisa diapa2in lagi...
Tapi kalo semua sama, apa enaknya? Iya kan? ^^
You know?
It's been a really great 7 months with you~
Thank you for everything and I'll be the best for you...
Kalo bisa balik, balik ya? =D
Tak tungguin kok~ Tapi kalo kelamaan aku tinggal~ =p
Dan oh, apapun yang terjadi, kita kan masih punya kontraknya... Jadi, kalo ada kesulitan/ada masalah, ceritain aja~ I'll be there~ =)
A REALLY WARM REGARDS FROM ME TO HIM
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Wrong for Being Different
Just when I thought that it would be alright to ask, then suddenly, all becomes a nightmare...
I used to think that maybe, some different part won't interrupting us, but what I thought just... Wrong... All things that different are wrong. So, I'm just... Yeah, wrong...
I know it from the very first time but I couldn't help it because I want to let it flow, but now, everything change just because 1 word. 1 Simple word that change everything in my life... After that event, my head spinning around, looking for answer that maybe I wont find either. But still, I make a wish, wish for something that will change back everything like old times. I'm suddenly angry with God, though I know that it is forbidden. I couldn't help it. I'm just... I can't think anything in normal way... I can't...
I wish that this is just a dream... A nightmare in my sleep, but of course it's NOT a dream... Its a reality I must face in my life...
But still, I can't... I can't just accept it.... Well, I know that I'm different, but can't we made is invisible?
Well, maybe nope, in this case...
And anyway, after that event, you're change... A lot, i guess... I don't know if it's just my imagination or the reality I caught on my eyes...
But all you said just the same words and it makes me confused... More than before... I guess, you're not accepting my different part, though I'm okay with your decision... But still, it feel hurt...
Every night I remembering that day, my tears just coming out without any warning and when I'm realize it, I'm in the other world with the most wanted thing I want in this world... But still, it just a dream... I CAN'T LIVE IN A DREAM, YOU KNOW.... >___<
And then, when I wake up, I'm always pray... Asking for help, though earlier, I'm angry with God to make a different situation between the two of us... I'm always wanting to reborn again... The two of us, reborn not in the different situation, but all the same an our obstacle are vanished... Though I guess, It wont happened eh, God?
Well, I keep praying though... Waiting for some miracle that could happen to my life....
I used to think that maybe, some different part won't interrupting us, but what I thought just... Wrong... All things that different are wrong. So, I'm just... Yeah, wrong...
I know it from the very first time but I couldn't help it because I want to let it flow, but now, everything change just because 1 word. 1 Simple word that change everything in my life... After that event, my head spinning around, looking for answer that maybe I wont find either. But still, I make a wish, wish for something that will change back everything like old times. I'm suddenly angry with God, though I know that it is forbidden. I couldn't help it. I'm just... I can't think anything in normal way... I can't...
I wish that this is just a dream... A nightmare in my sleep, but of course it's NOT a dream... Its a reality I must face in my life...
But still, I can't... I can't just accept it.... Well, I know that I'm different, but can't we made is invisible?
Well, maybe nope, in this case...
And anyway, after that event, you're change... A lot, i guess... I don't know if it's just my imagination or the reality I caught on my eyes...
But all you said just the same words and it makes me confused... More than before... I guess, you're not accepting my different part, though I'm okay with your decision... But still, it feel hurt...
Every night I remembering that day, my tears just coming out without any warning and when I'm realize it, I'm in the other world with the most wanted thing I want in this world... But still, it just a dream... I CAN'T LIVE IN A DREAM, YOU KNOW.... >___<
And then, when I wake up, I'm always pray... Asking for help, though earlier, I'm angry with God to make a different situation between the two of us... I'm always wanting to reborn again... The two of us, reborn not in the different situation, but all the same an our obstacle are vanished... Though I guess, It wont happened eh, God?
Well, I keep praying though... Waiting for some miracle that could happen to my life....
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