He is not gonna be the same him like the old time. Hell. I know it.
He is so cold towards me. Hell, that IS the truth. I know.
He won't listen to all my stories but just staring me with sarcasm. Hell. I know. I feel it. I hate it but still, I'm accept it.
He is kind to everyone else except me. Hell yeah. I know it well. I can see how's he towards me. Still, I'm accept it though.
He is always grumble and looked irritated whenever we are together. Hell that's the truth. I know it but still, try to smile so he can't see my restrained tears.
He is saying things in a cold way to me. Hell yeah. I know. But I'm always try speak a lot and a little bit childish so he never see my tremble lip.
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Somehow, grumbling about him makes me miss the old days. It IS a happy time. I feel my soul and I'm internally and externally happy. But, time goes on and I should moving on. Yeah yeah. Silly talking about MOVING ON is really easy. Do it is NOT as easy as saying it as advice.
Sometimes, I do remember how was that day, when all my bad dreams starts. I feel guilty for him. I feel guilty for myself. I do always wish that today is dream and I'm still sleeping in my bed. These day from that day is nightmare--i guess.
Whenever I'm with him, what is in my head and heart is that feel of guilty. I wish that he never met me and chose me. I do regretting many things that make him feel in pain like nowadays. I hope that I can do something so he can easily forget about me and other problems related to me. I do hope that way but... When I wishing for it, my heart feel--hurt. I do want to be remembered by him. I do want to be his special treasure forever. I do want to be the part of his good memories only. My egoistic side just come up and yeah. Wish is still a wish that cannot be done because of my ego.
Wherever I am, every night, I pray for his sake. I pray so he can make a new life that better than his life with me, because his life with me is heaven than turned into hellish place. I know that maybe, deep in his heart, he is regretting everything now. Unlike me who can't even regretting it because it such a happy memories for me. All of his attitude back then is happy memories for me, even when he was angry to me. I pray for his heart so it can back into the first form when he gave it to me and he can give it to the right woman and they will lived happily ever after. But again and again, my ego's back. But I'm not withdrawing my word. Just, silently crying inside my blanket and well, I don't know whether I'm regretting or just feel not really want to give him to someone else. I don't know either.
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Grumbling is not a good attitude. I know. But, well, that is what in my heart now, Noir, if you want to know and if you care enough. But seeing things nowadays, you wouldn't care about me again aren't you... Well, it is fair because I'm nobody for you.
Honestly. Seeing your attitude toward me nowadays, makes me feel somehow sad. Why should we become like this?? Can't you just behave like usual? ='(
I am willing to let you go without this kinds of behavior, Noir. ='(
What I want is willing to let you go with a nice ending and we are still have a good relationship from each other... ='(
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