.....many years later :)

WELL HELLO DAMNED BLOG, HOW ARE YOU? 😂

It's been a reaaaaally long time no see hahaha~ My last post was on 2013 WOW IT'S ALMOST 3 YEARS SINCE THE LAST TIME 😂

Anyway, I'm still your noisy lil fujoshi's hehe still capslock all over the place, still in love with boys making out on each other ahahaha

But maybe, there are actually things that have changed within and around me tho :3

================

SO, let's talk on the academic aspect first, shall we?

I'm currently in my senior year (yay?)

I'm actually surviving those hell HAHAHA 

Well, my final projects remains tho.. There were--difficulties here and there, but somehow I managed and I hope I'M ACTUALLY MANAGING IT WELL TO GRADUATE 😭 If I'm not, then those dramas of being accused to steal others data will be the sole reason of me not graduting this September :(((( 

TO THE PERSONAL LIFE!

So, in this past 2 years, I've been struggling with multiple mental disorder. Surprising, isn't it?

Yeah well, let me introduce you to my sudden 3 bestfriend accompanying me for almost 3 years and maybe will and still counting hahahaha

1st is Depression..

It makes me look like I'm fine on the outside (reference to ghibli's when marnie was here; it was a good movie!)--while I'm actually fucking crippled on the inside. I'm constantly feel so tired, I feel like my world has no more colors, I feel like it's pitch black in front of me. It's really good on reminding me that I'm worthless and not capable to maintain my life. It also always gives me suicidal thoughts which is unfortunately never wins my struggle hahaha~ I was diagnosed with a severe depression and it makes me even at some point, neglecting my life for 2 fucking weeks to actually came to campus w/o breaking down :) I'm still struggling tho to overcome it hehehe

2nd is Anxiety..

I didn't knew that my panicking level was soooo extreme to the point of I was being diagnosed with a mild anxiety hahahaha~ WELL, It's not like I'm afraid to meet ppl or socially awkward, NOPE. My anxiety lies on how I'm actually can be into panicking I'm neglecting myself and thus, making me always sick and gradually makes my body and mind in a worse condition. Fortunately, it's not severe. BUT STILL MILD, BUT I'M SURVIVING SO IT'S OKAY....? 😂

3rd is Bi-Polar..

This is the very reason why I could be angry af, sad af and happy af at the same fucking time 😂😭  My moodswing have been terribly extreme, it ticked off ppl around me. I even genuinly thought that I need an anger management, but it turns out I'm in a mild bi-polar. Sounds not fun huh? YEAH NOT FUN AT ALL!!!! Because you're constantly misunderstood by lots of ppl. They saw me being happy and outgoing me and grumpy and moody as well at the very same time. It's not fun and not cool at all to have that kind of feeling :')

YEAH SO, I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THESE SHITS, but I'm alive and that's all matters now ehehehe

TO THE LOVE LIVE!! (typo is not incidental pft)

SO NOW, IN THESE PAST 2 YEARS TOO, I'VE BEEN GOING OUT WITH MY SENIOR EHEHEHEHEHEHEHE ☺️☺️☺️

I'm actually maintaining 2 years relationship w/ someone guys! CONGRATULATE ME!!!!!

At first, I never thought that I will be in a relationship w/ him hahahah WE TALKED IF THERE ARE WORKS BETWEEN US HAHAHAHAH

But somehow, he looks reaaaally smart on my eyes, and the way he speaks actually enchanted me hahaha~ he got a nice body too, so WHY NOT? 😂 (the objective is clear, isn't it?)

Yeah, so, not much to be told, but we are intending to keep counting the years till death do us apart hehehehe MAJOR MOVING ON FROM NOIR AND BEARY BEAR ISN'T IT? HAHAHAHAHA

Well, I still care about them, but that's it! I'm no longer have lingering feelings towards them. Or anyone else that was my target HAHAHAH

I'm actually taking this senpai seriously and he's also telling me that he wanted to be serious w/ me :)

So, I hope that this is the last time that I'll be so damn angsty towards relationship..............well, maybe angsty in a different aspects of him, not to others 😂

But anyway yeah, he's annoying narssistic bastard but I love him and he loves me too :3

=================

SO, I THINK THAT'S ALL....?

I'm actually reading this blog sometimes, but the will of writing things on this blog is THAT BIG, while I have no motivation at all hahahahah forgive me~

Maybe I'll see you later at the wedding of mine? 😂

Yea, well, see you later damned blog 😘

HEY-HO!

Hell-o bloggie~ *glomps*
Long time no see huh?
.....yeah, I've been busy with these--fucked-up institution and many things within ._.
So--umm--I REALLY WANT TO SHARE MANY THINGS OMG I SHOULD! :))

Let's begin with my college life -A-

...yeah so--my grades is not that good, it's a good sign of increasing but still, physics is not THAT friendly with me, I can't blame it =_=
I'm currently an active participant in 3 organization I've been following~ 2 of them in HRD Department and 1 of them in Musical Resources Department. Nonetheless, it's pretty fun~

Let's continue on my social life~

CIL is still THE BEST!! They're not really supportive in the matter of choir but no one can't stop me fufufu~
Anyway, lulul is now officialy in relationship with jiji~ crl is--still in some confusion between her ex and her current boyfriend. Such a child hahaha~ Umm--dncl is still a jerk *kick* everyone else is still the same loving friend whose support is ALWAYS #1!!!! :"3
LONG LAAAAST HEHEHEHEH :*

....now, onto my love life ugh~

I broke up with that--bear~ ....yay? -_-
Well--if you asked me, I don't even know my feelings toward him. Really. I mean, sometimes, his ego pissed me off. His attitude is too childish for my liking. But sometimes, I can't help but care about him ._. My heart is so confusing I don't know what to do T.T Maybe this is not what they called as love. This is a deep affection I have for my best friend I ever had .____.
...oops, past tense hahahiks~ he's no longer my bestfriend. I guess we're no longer bestfriend. We're stranger with some memories. How pathetic it is to lose your very bestfriend because of love hiks :'

....another stories is with--umm--I called him oniichan tho. Let's go with that shall we?
ahahahahahah yeah, so--I've been in this sort of 'kakak-adek' relationship with this--prick -__-
Well--it's shortly after I broke up with that bear, he's coming into my life.
It's more like--tbh, he's a jerk. A REALLY BIG JERK I DON'T KNOW WHY I WAS INTERESTED WITH HIM HUHUHUHU T.T
Well--even until now, we're still in that kind of relationship BUT! that's all. I mean, he's now going back into his ex, and I'm now single. And we do really protecting each other like what siblings probably do. We did many random things and share many stories together like siblings most probably do. We're also singing together with a big heart! :))
Well, never regrets him, coming into my life--even if sometimes, he's annoying. And too much skinship it's endangering my heart ugh~ he's that type of person who gives you extra hope because he's LITERALLY kind to all women. ALL OF THEM. It irks me. -_- I even had ever mad to him for being so damn 'php' and giving him silent treatment. In the end, he gave me many chocolate bar and ice cream :)) #manipulativelilsister

Now, go to Noir. I missed him. Sometimes. ....okay, almost everyday. I don't know. Don't judge me ;w;
It's probably because--he provides me such secure-feel, I can't help but longing for it. Longing for him. But naaah, I know it's pointless to hope him back. I know I know. I passed that stage already duh ( -_-)
...but little talk won't hurt, right, Noir? :'
Oh, look it's september! A month to go to our 4th failed anniversary dear Noir~ hahahahah :'
I hope you the best, hope you're doing just fine there.. Hope you're getting a better replacement for me fufu~
You're always in the top list of people I prayed to heheh :3

GO TO MY DAILY LIFE~~~!

I'm officially a damn extra super hardcore fujoshi :"3
LOOK AT THOSE FANFICS I STORED IN MY PHONES *kicked*
LOOK AT THOSE SUPER DUPER KAWAII YAOI COUPLE *recieve 2nd kick*
LOOK LOOK IT'S YAOI OVER TH-- *killed*
=)) =)) =))
Well--it won't hurt~ my love life is such a mess I can't help but indulging my self into these~
...even tho there's no other GREAT EXCELLENT friend I can share with those ultra beautiful relationship right here. ANIMMYST is still the best partner hahahahah :*

.....okay, I'm tired.
Blogging is taxing my energy :p #overdramatic
Yeah so--see you around, tatsuki's journey scratch? :3
Wait for my next update will ya? heheh

P.S: Happy birthday for twin debater I was ever grow fond of~ wish you all the best! be glad you guys are written in here woohoo~

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME NO SEE, UBERANGST BLOG!

WEEEEEEE
HELLO~~
Whoa it's been a long time since I logged in onto this :))
I've been fine. Pretty fine. Pretty much alive with lots of struggle..
SO MANY THINGS I'D LIKE TO SHARE :))
...should I share what I've been goung through for these past year? YEAH I SHOULD =)) #noisy

Yeah so--I didn't make it to ITB~ lalalalala
I don't have any regrets tho, really :)) Now I'm currently a Marine Engineering student~ seems promising huh? :p
Yeah, so--my National Exam is not really good hehe~ I've been in Bandung for a month but I didn't make it. I fell into some deep shit, but I still managed. It's been hard, good job self *patting me*

So--umm--my love life is also so fucking dynamic HA! =))
I've moved on from Noir~ I still care tho, really. You can't expect me to actually feel nothing toward him duh -_- He was precious. Something precious can't be forgotten you know~ Just cherished it~ :3 I'm glad you're still there for me hihi~ I LOVE TEASING YOU~ SO MUCH~ Seducing you is fun~ Really, your dear friends is just reading too many fanfics and watching too many ecchis =)) Just forgive me *bow* Even if I'm not going to resist the temptation~ It's just--too much fun to left behind, Noir. Really *grin* Let's have a 'game', sometimes, shall we? *smirk*

Yeah, so, after I didn't get ITB, my Nat Exam were screwed, I'm now in Marine Engineering and have these bunch of idiots that I FUCKING LOVE SO MUCH <33333 p="">Keluarga Cil~
Seems like keluarga berencana BUT NO HAHAHA =))
It starts with 11 bunch of retards--wait, 10. Exclude me pls, I'm not an idiot :))
with 4 girls and 7 boys~ ah~ the irony of taking my education in the men's faculty~
Yeah so--we've done too much things in the past 6 months :))
They're a great mood booster, a fucking awesome friends, a frightening enemy, generally--FUCKING DAMN SPECIAL :B
.....let me tell you a secret tho hahaha
I was falling in love with one of them :p sst
But anyway, we're not in relationship hahahah
Because--well, he's those who really takes on relationship seriously and--yeah, well--I'm different with him in the matter of belief so--yeah :))
I'VE MOVED ON ON HIM THO!! The fastest record of moving on whoa applause pls! :|
He's now my very best friend who always there for me :') He's annoying tho -_- the more I know him, the more I wanna punch him in his face. with a chair. or axe. anything deadly. HA :| That fucking prick is just--getting my nerves on -_-
But still, just as Noir, he was precious :"3 BE GLAD!! *kick him*

NOW! I do really have a concrete definition of PRECIOUS :))
So--I'm now in relationship~ :3 ....I should've make him a nickname--but kuma is for Noir :( ....I call him--err--just let me think after this KAY?! :"|
Yeah, so--he always been there for me hehe~ I do care about him, but--umm--well, in the very first time, I don't really loving him THAT much that I wanna be in a relationship with him, even tho he already declared his feeling towards me. Yeah, I'm such a 'friendzone bastard' here =___=
But lately, well, I used to him, I used to term of being his girlfriend. AND IT IRKS ME ON HOW HE'S A STUDY MANIAC GRAAAAH ASDFGHJKL w(OAOw)
Well, I don't hate it tho. I love smart people. But--it's just--he's sweet tho.. But--his time--is mainly--for his activities--and we are now in a REALLY REALLY LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP--but--Ah, forget it nevermind =_=
....I miss him too much I don't know what to do. I might marry my laptop because of this loneliness oTL
LDR is hard ;A; but--I love him. BUT IT'S HARD *throwing myself into a volcano*
It's fun tho~ :3 I hope it's long last hmm? :3 :*

Yeah so--WHOA I MISS WRITING THIS BLOG I SHOULD DO THIS MORE OFTEN #capsabuse
See you next time I guess :3 

Expectation, Dis-encouragement, Dreams

So--long time no see, ne~
I've been work my ass hard for my last term test.. But then, the outcome is a bit--shocking..
So--in my senior year, I've been struggling in increasing my mark for Physics, History and Chemistry. All of them are-a bit difficult for me to understand in the senior year. So, after my WSDC Training Camp, I've been really struggling on those 3 aspects. Yet, it doesn't really change anything.
I do know that those change wouldn't be THAT significant, but I do want a change. Yet, even if I did all what those fckn' teacher want, its not even changed--just slightly change into another new score, 1 point above the previous score. Pathetic.
And these things, make my mom seriously angry. Yeah, I do deserved to be scolded but then, there's no need for dis-encouragement. I hate to be underestimated. Because I know that I can do this, but its just I'm not doing it maximally because of certain things. That's why the reason why  I cried like there's no tomorrow back then is that--how she accused me for not gonna make it through my Senior High. How she even betting on me, for not gonna reach my dream to be in Bandung. How she's even said certain things like--well, how moronic I am, how I'm talking bullshits, etc. Here's the thing. Fyi, I've been working my ass hard. If I have to do those things, even if  I'm not actually required to join those things, I'm still there, for the sake of my score. Yet, those bitches seriously not taking mine. They have personal problem with me. Screw them. But then, screw myself too ahahahah
The point is that, I'm still keep struggling with these, even if she already said may bad things to me. There's no point for me to keep regretting these things. I'll never reach my dream w/o working hard for these.. So--I'll keep praying for this, and keep strugglin' to reach my dream.. Wish me luck ne~ :)

Je Souhaite et si Seulement

I wish he is mine.
I wish he is not liking me only for lust.
I wish I'm not different from him.
I wish he stay longer with me.
I wish he hold my hands like what he always did to me.
I wish he hug me like he always did.
I wish he kissed me with such tenderness.
I wish he know that I'm missing him.
I wish he know that even as friend I need him.
I wish I'm not this egoistic and too deep into him.
I wish I'm not only wishing for this.

If only he is mine
If only he is not liking me only for lust
If only I'm not different from him
If only he stay longer with me
If only he hold my hands right now
If only he hug me right now
If only he kissed me passionately right now
If only he know that I'm missing him
If only he know that even as friend I need him
If only I'm not this egoistic and too deep into him
If only I'm not only daydreaming about this

...fuck this is so ubergalau hahahahahahah
screw you mind!!
SANITY Y U NO WORKING PROPERLY ASDFGHJKL w(OAOw)

おげんきですか～？

こんばんわ～～～～
Aaaah, missing you my uberangst blog *glomps*
Recently, there's been many things happened to me.. Anyway, yesterday, my dream to do some cosplay have been com true!! And I'm so freakin' famous B) #superglad

Hmm--well, there's a reason why I wanna do some ramblings here..
Uberangst thingy. Yeah yeah, you know, I'm just this melancholic *sigh*

Well, the thing is--he's been avoiding me, and I'm accustomed w/ it. Its just being so freakin' usual thing for me if he's not even talk/say something to me.. Therefore, it does brought into the real life..
When he's avoiding me, I was also struggling to find our limitation between him&I. Its hard. Because in fact, my ideal world&heart seems to be a bitch for saying that our relationship must have no limitation at all.
Screw you mind..
Yeah well, when I do finally get those limit,I'm trying hard to accustomed into those things. I'm starting to learn how to not bother him, to not always thinking about him, and also a little bit try to move on. Kinda success but not that effective. If I'm gonna make a scale from 0-100, then it will be like 20. I told ya guys.. *sigh*

Now, back into yesterday.
I was so damn happy, blessed and super--glad to now that he's seriously here.
But--those limitation thingy sure is screwing up my mind.
Now, seeing his stat on how he's feeling like completely stranger, makes me like--I've forgot about him THIS well.
...uhm--well, if you read what I written above properly, you know your impression would be 100%--no, 80% wrong.

Basically, I'm just that kind of person who like to showing off. That's why those impression surely linger in me.
Although I'm trying to talk to you with those full awkward aura mode and still being scorned, uhm--I'm still happy tho can talk to you in such a bit comfortable way in our current relationship.

Well, Noir, don't get me wrong.. If you wanna talk, just talk!!! >3<
It makes me feel REALLY bad .__________.

Random Thoughts

Ohisashiburi~
Been a long time since I wrote my mind over this blog.
Recently, my life's changing. Finally, I can overcome my fear towards NSDC. I'm in 24 best speaker. Thanks God for Your blessing :')
So--well, in this time--I won't talk about NSDC tho..
Something recently bother me--like hell :|

===============================================

Err--so, here's the thing.
My feelings towards Noir is still lingering CLEARLY. Like hell--even if I'm trying to forget him, every aspect of places always successfully reminding me about him :'|
It's like, automatically, wherever I go, I'll actually remember that those places are related to him and suddenly makes me galau all over again. Devil circle, nuff said.
W-well, also my fault to suddenly try to get in touch with him--again. Darn it! He's trying his best to forget me, why do I even bother him .____.
I feel like--being so cruel towards him. But I can't help it. My sanity lose towards my selfishness .____.
So--after somehow in contact with him for merely 2 days, suddenly, another silent therapy. I know that this is gonna be happened. But why I'm still hurt for it :'( It pisses me off like hell.
Partly, this is my fault. I should give my apologizes right.. ._____. *send message*
Hope this is--right things to do ._______________________________.
ZOMG I'M SO OVERLY GALAU oTL
It'll be a lie if I'm not missing him... I miss him like hell. Terribly X'|
But only to this extend--when he's willing to talk to me is already something really precious for me... Only 1 word from him already enlightening my day.. I might wanting more--but still--in the end, I still can control my feeling to not crossing over the border.. And also still--it makes my day.. X'|
DAKARA!! It hurts when he's talking to others--while I'm in the conversation and being ignored.. Is he bullshitting me with false promises of being friends after break-up X'|
It hurts.. If there's any other word to describe my feeling--being more than hurt, I'll use it. Definitely..

Other things.
Some other days ago--I found the truth that he's being unfriended me.. COOL!!
Successfully makes me like--crying over something not important..
I do REALLY know his reason for doing it. He's trying to forget me of course! I know.. He's trying to not influenced.. I know it.. But still--it hurts.. Then suddenly he request being friend--again. I do feel like--somehow he himself is not certain by his own desicion. My question would be--why? Why bother doing so If you're gonna--like forgetting me.. The 'you' I know recently is someone who doesn't even care whether I'm hurt or not.. Then why you did so.. It makes me confused--and a lil bit gimme false hope. Stupid me for somehow overtaken by it hahahah. Pathetic.

I do childish. Ask many things to be mine. Not really taking others opinion seriously, not really wanted to be lose. Wanting more and more, greedy, lust, pride are overtaken me like hell..
I do demand a question--for you..
Like--seriously.
I need explanation on WHY--you're doing this..
I demand explanation for WHAT about your sweet promises which is already fooling me like successfully about being friend? Set your parameter for us being a friends is looks like what exactly..
You owe me an explanation, Noir.. BUNCH of explanation..
This kind of foggy relationship is harmful for both of us, I know that you're understanding this well..
Just please, can't you just explain it..?
I will--as your requests some times ago--accept your decision. I won't complain..
Just tell me reasons behind all of this things..