Expectation, Dis-encouragement, Dreams

So--long time no see, ne~
I've been work my ass hard for my last term test.. But then, the outcome is a bit--shocking..
So--in my senior year, I've been struggling in increasing my mark for Physics, History and Chemistry. All of them are-a bit difficult for me to understand in the senior year. So, after my WSDC Training Camp, I've been really struggling on those 3 aspects. Yet, it doesn't really change anything.
I do know that those change wouldn't be THAT significant, but I do want a change. Yet, even if I did all what those fckn' teacher want, its not even changed--just slightly change into another new score, 1 point above the previous score. Pathetic.
And these things, make my mom seriously angry. Yeah, I do deserved to be scolded but then, there's no need for dis-encouragement. I hate to be underestimated. Because I know that I can do this, but its just I'm not doing it maximally because of certain things. That's why the reason why  I cried like there's no tomorrow back then is that--how she accused me for not gonna make it through my Senior High. How she even betting on me, for not gonna reach my dream to be in Bandung. How she's even said certain things like--well, how moronic I am, how I'm talking bullshits, etc. Here's the thing. Fyi, I've been working my ass hard. If I have to do those things, even if  I'm not actually required to join those things, I'm still there, for the sake of my score. Yet, those bitches seriously not taking mine. They have personal problem with me. Screw them. But then, screw myself too ahahahah
The point is that, I'm still keep struggling with these, even if she already said may bad things to me. There's no point for me to keep regretting these things. I'll never reach my dream w/o working hard for these.. So--I'll keep praying for this, and keep strugglin' to reach my dream.. Wish me luck ne~ :)

Je Souhaite et si Seulement

I wish he is mine.
I wish he is not liking me only for lust.
I wish I'm not different from him.
I wish he stay longer with me.
I wish he hold my hands like what he always did to me.
I wish he hug me like he always did.
I wish he kissed me with such tenderness.
I wish he know that I'm missing him.
I wish he know that even as friend I need him.
I wish I'm not this egoistic and too deep into him.
I wish I'm not only wishing for this.

If only he is mine
If only he is not liking me only for lust
If only I'm not different from him
If only he stay longer with me
If only he hold my hands right now
If only he hug me right now
If only he kissed me passionately right now
If only he know that I'm missing him
If only he know that even as friend I need him
If only I'm not this egoistic and too deep into him
If only I'm not only daydreaming about this

...fuck this is so ubergalau hahahahahahah
screw you mind!!
SANITY Y U NO WORKING PROPERLY ASDFGHJKL w(OAOw)

おげんきですか～？

こんばんわ～～～～
Aaaah, missing you my uberangst blog *glomps*
Recently, there's been many things happened to me.. Anyway, yesterday, my dream to do some cosplay have been com true!! And I'm so freakin' famous B) #superglad

Hmm--well, there's a reason why I wanna do some ramblings here..
Uberangst thingy. Yeah yeah, you know, I'm just this melancholic *sigh*

Well, the thing is--he's been avoiding me, and I'm accustomed w/ it. Its just being so freakin' usual thing for me if he's not even talk/say something to me.. Therefore, it does brought into the real life..
When he's avoiding me, I was also struggling to find our limitation between him&I. Its hard. Because in fact, my ideal world&heart seems to be a bitch for saying that our relationship must have no limitation at all.
Screw you mind..
Yeah well, when I do finally get those limit,I'm trying hard to accustomed into those things. I'm starting to learn how to not bother him, to not always thinking about him, and also a little bit try to move on. Kinda success but not that effective. If I'm gonna make a scale from 0-100, then it will be like 20. I told ya guys.. *sigh*

Now, back into yesterday.
I was so damn happy, blessed and super--glad to now that he's seriously here.
But--those limitation thingy sure is screwing up my mind.
Now, seeing his stat on how he's feeling like completely stranger, makes me like--I've forgot about him THIS well.
...uhm--well, if you read what I written above properly, you know your impression would be 100%--no, 80% wrong.

Basically, I'm just that kind of person who like to showing off. That's why those impression surely linger in me.
Although I'm trying to talk to you with those full awkward aura mode and still being scorned, uhm--I'm still happy tho can talk to you in such a bit comfortable way in our current relationship.

Well, Noir, don't get me wrong.. If you wanna talk, just talk!!! >3<
It makes me feel REALLY bad .__________.

Random Thoughts

Ohisashiburi~
Been a long time since I wrote my mind over this blog.
Recently, my life's changing. Finally, I can overcome my fear towards NSDC. I'm in 24 best speaker. Thanks God for Your blessing :')
So--well, in this time--I won't talk about NSDC tho..
Something recently bother me--like hell :|

===============================================

Err--so, here's the thing.
My feelings towards Noir is still lingering CLEARLY. Like hell--even if I'm trying to forget him, every aspect of places always successfully reminding me about him :'|
It's like, automatically, wherever I go, I'll actually remember that those places are related to him and suddenly makes me galau all over again. Devil circle, nuff said.
W-well, also my fault to suddenly try to get in touch with him--again. Darn it! He's trying his best to forget me, why do I even bother him .____.
I feel like--being so cruel towards him. But I can't help it. My sanity lose towards my selfishness .____.
So--after somehow in contact with him for merely 2 days, suddenly, another silent therapy. I know that this is gonna be happened. But why I'm still hurt for it :'( It pisses me off like hell.
Partly, this is my fault. I should give my apologizes right.. ._____. *send message*
Hope this is--right things to do ._______________________________.
ZOMG I'M SO OVERLY GALAU oTL
It'll be a lie if I'm not missing him... I miss him like hell. Terribly X'|
But only to this extend--when he's willing to talk to me is already something really precious for me... Only 1 word from him already enlightening my day.. I might wanting more--but still--in the end, I still can control my feeling to not crossing over the border.. And also still--it makes my day.. X'|
DAKARA!! It hurts when he's talking to others--while I'm in the conversation and being ignored.. Is he bullshitting me with false promises of being friends after break-up X'|
It hurts.. If there's any other word to describe my feeling--being more than hurt, I'll use it. Definitely..

Other things.
Some other days ago--I found the truth that he's being unfriended me.. COOL!!
Successfully makes me like--crying over something not important..
I do REALLY know his reason for doing it. He's trying to forget me of course! I know.. He's trying to not influenced.. I know it.. But still--it hurts.. Then suddenly he request being friend--again. I do feel like--somehow he himself is not certain by his own desicion. My question would be--why? Why bother doing so If you're gonna--like forgetting me.. The 'you' I know recently is someone who doesn't even care whether I'm hurt or not.. Then why you did so.. It makes me confused--and a lil bit gimme false hope. Stupid me for somehow overtaken by it hahahah. Pathetic.

I do childish. Ask many things to be mine. Not really taking others opinion seriously, not really wanted to be lose. Wanting more and more, greedy, lust, pride are overtaken me like hell..
I do demand a question--for you..
Like--seriously.
I need explanation on WHY--you're doing this..
I demand explanation for WHAT about your sweet promises which is already fooling me like successfully about being friend? Set your parameter for us being a friends is looks like what exactly..
You owe me an explanation, Noir.. BUNCH of explanation..
This kind of foggy relationship is harmful for both of us, I know that you're understanding this well..
Just please, can't you just explain it..?
I will--as your requests some times ago--accept your decision. I won't complain..
Just tell me reasons behind all of this things..